Pleading for Compassion

pleading for compassion
i come to thee
my soul aflame
my eyes glazed over
i am broken
cries in the night
to hide my pain
the pain i once harbored
but not anymore
my words are a bandaid
to cover an injured soul
my spirit let free
yet still
i am broken
a work in progress
a masterpiece perhaps
and i come to thee
pleading for compassion

Mommy's Day

i awoke to a baby's cry at 6 am
she must be hungry
i stumble to the kitchen
tripping over the diaper bag
cuddling in a very small toddler bed with a rambunctious 2 year old
under the tonka truck bedspread
he's babbling about the new car picture on his wall i made for him
watching the wiggles at 8 in the morning
the big red car song is on again
oh how he likes to dance
her blankie hanging on by one foot
she smiles anyway as she swings
i trip over a monster truck as i exit the room to get a coke
only to hear "juice, juice" as i walk away
i fill the sippy cup only to forget my coke
craft paint covered spiderman pj's
as we make a mothers day present for grandma
his handprint is crooked but it doesn't matter
i think she just got pink paint in her hair
and her handprint is so small next to his
holding him as he washes his hands with the purple soap
he cant reach the towel
she giggles when he comes in the room
i hear him say "my sissy"
as he hands her his favorite car
the 100 piece sponge puzzle set is now scattered
bright yellow, orange, green and red cover the floor
i say "bath" to him and he runs
giggling as he hides
i hear a "shhhh, baby seeping"
she fell asleep in her daisy adorned crib
one hand over her face, the other above her head
i sit down beside him to play cars
he lays his head on my shoulder
he looks up at me and grins
paint still matted in his hair
never got around to the bath
didnt get my coke either
yet i sit with this beautiful boy
next to a crib with a sleeping baby girl
all is right with the world
on my mother's day

Bitter Sweetness

you think sweetness flows
from your twisted lips
i should hang on your every word
we should worship you
and your beauty
i should kiss you and draw in
your sweetness
maybe i would be
just as sweet
maybe i would become
just as beautiful
or maybe people would fall at my feet
and beg for my presence
my beauty
but i would be sick if i were you
sick to think like you
to be you
sick but sweet
full of sweetness
bitter sweetness

written: 11/12/97

To Thee I Bestow

i give to you my all
everything
what does this mean to you
nothing
i wish i could borrow your soul
forever
just implant my love and caring
always
make you feel how i do
deeply
why can't you love like i do
faithfully
my love is long lasting
endless
and to thee i bestow
hopefully

written: 2/16/97

Beautiful Sadness

i fall but i wish i could stand
please help me to come down
with my head in the clouds
and my heart on my shoulders
i cry out loud, all alone
dream with me a dream
of being together, being happy
just close your eyes and sleep
sleep so peacefully
and maybe you will awaken
and the pain will be gone
sunken into the pits of sadness
you are so beautiful
so beautifully serene
with your shiny tongue
and graceful words
but me, i am alone
on the brink of solitude
please help me to come down
down to your level

written: 11/10/97

Cringe

i cringe at the thought of the world today
so happy and gay
i think not
they hide behind lies and come out at night
robbing you of dignity
and of course pride
to live is to die
i cringe at the thought

written: 11/11/97

Just You and Me

i want to love

i hope to give

i wish to be

i die to live

i pray to get

i long to see

i dream to have

just you and me

Futuristic Visions

long ago i looked
i searched
for my future i longed to see
i waited
patiently waited
for my future i longed to see
i wished and i hoped
for my forever
for my future i longed to see
all those things
i once did
for my future i longed to see
then i came to
the realization
my future lies in me

written: 9/27/96

Love

i can't say i love you...
...i don't know you
i can say anything except that
oh how i would love to say those words
to shout them until the retched veil over your heart tears
but i can't say i love you
i don't know you
i know your face
like i know my own
i know your smile
like i know yesterday
i know your walk
like i know the night
i know your laugh
like i know love
but i can't say i love you
i don't know you
still i love you...
...even though

written: 9/25/96

Keepsake

So many questions I could ask
as to why I have these feelings
It wouldn't get me anywhere
For knowing isn't always believing
All I know is what I feel
That is all that I can tell
What I cherish in my heart
Is great enough to sell
Sometimes I sit and watch you
I just like to sit and look
The thoughts that come to mind
are enough to write a book
I don't think you would buy it
You wouldn't believe it as true
The things I hold in my heart
The extent of my feelings for you
You would take me as a fool
if I came right out and told
Then you would be distant
our friendship would grow cold
I want for you to realize it
But on the other hand
I never want to lose you
it is that I could not stand
For now I am stuck between
Reality and my dreams
My dreams are what I long for
Reality is how bad it seems
No matter what I do each day
or storms I have to face
My love is here forever
for it remains in a sacred place
You are here with me each day
and when I lay down to sleep
I hold a picture of you in my heart
Locked away with a golden key

written: 11/24/95

I wrote this poem in 5th period of my high school history class. I even remember what desk I was sitting at. This poem was written for a guy I had loved for a long time. We were really good friends. Until one day, he hurt me more than anyone could have ever hurt another person. He took something from me I could never get back. I wrote this poem a few days before that happened.

Wait

i saw you and waited
i watched you and waited
i needed you and waited
i dreamed of you and waited
i loved you and waited
waited, waited - still waiting

written: 9/26/96

Silence

the craving, the cause
no answer, just silence
waiting, watching - always
no answer, just silence
to hope and to wish
no answer, just silence
the craving, the cause
no answer, just silence

Solely Yours

just a whisper
i hear you say
a single whisper
can feel this way
a spoken word
could bring on happiness
just one word
never yelling or madness
one single smile
sent straight to my heart
just a smile
and you're doing your part
a loving touch
from tender hands
one little touch
from a gentle man
just a whisper
you calling my name
a single whisper
and forever i'll stay

Absence of Laughter

that's not laughter you hear
that's the sound of my heart

that's not smiling you see
that's you tearing me apart

that's not voices in the background
that's the echo of my sadness

that's not happiness you smell
that's the aroma of madness

that's not glory you taste
that's the taste of revenge

that's not laughter you hear
that's my love at an end

For Granted

why must you frown, why must you sigh
i try so hard yet still i cry
all i care is that you are glad
i try so hard and then i'm sad
you never care about how i feel
you never realize i am for real
i dedicate to you all of my time
then i am hurt but you are fine
when will you know just how i feel
when will you see i am for real
if you finally see after i am dead
just don't be sad, for i'll be glad

Nothing

nothing comes easy
nothing seems right
nothing is pretty
nothing is bright
nothing makes sense
nothing is simple
nothing gets glory
nothing is gentle
nothing i gain
nothing i get
nothing i live for
nothing i die with

Trying

the screaming, the screaming
it's hurting my ears
it's driving me crazy
it's all i can hear

just trying to live
day by day
i try to give
they push me away

i wish i were dead
it would all be more simple
then they'd cherish my words
as all sentimental

but now i must live
for now i must stay
being dead would be easier
all my pain gone away

written: 9/21/95

Inspiration

my breath, my light
my day, my night
my heart, my soul
my all, my goal
my hopes, my prayers
my dreams, my cares
my time, my thoughts
my desires, my wants
my strength, my might
my all, my life

Too Deep for Words

the way i feel
is hard to explain
i might could speak it
and give it no name
it would be hard to tell
and too deep to understand
too complicated to feel
even in your hands
i guess i could
just leave it alone
and never bring it up
when we're on the phone
i could always pretend
you mean nothing to me
i could just play it off
and no one would see
what i feel for you
is too hard to be said
that's why i didn't tell you
but wrote it instead

Infinite Questions

why do we wait
for now is the time
why do we tarry
for now we can climb
why do we dream
for this is reality
why do we change
for this is actuality
why are there problems
for we just don't care
why are there heartaches
for we know they are there
why do we sit
for we could be moving
why do we die
for we could be living

written: 7/25/94

Painstaker

the darkness surrounds me
it's hands are grasping hold
i reach for help but it's too late
it has me now
its cold hands embrace me
leaving me gasping for air
i am in the darkest pit
the forbidden place
i can go in but can't return
you can watch me leave
but can't follow
i must go alone
yet there is still hope
a small ray of light
a tiny breath could blow it out
an uttered word could shut it up
i see help more clearly now
and it is familiar
oh how i long to just reach out
it would come so easy
only
my limbs are unmovable
you reach out to me
and the darkness lifts away
the dark clouds sink deeper
but far away from me
you have saved me from the worst kind of pain
you took it all upon yourself
it wasn't hard for me
for i just accepted
but you
you are the giver

Untitled

When passion is lost
and all trust is gone
For way too long
Children crying
Cast down and neglected
Only in a world so cold
Hold the hand of your best friend
look into their eyes and watch them drift away
Some might say we have fallen
Fallen off the wings of hope
Forgotten faith
There is fever inside my storm
Screaming to be released
To be let free
With circumstances unbearable
and future's unknown
How can we believe
In love

Why

i wait for you always
but you never appear

i want you to love me
but you just can't hear

i wish i could tell you
how i feel inside

i want you to need me
but you care for your pride

why don't you listen
when i say i love you

why don't you hear me
when i scream out for you

why do i need you
so badly i cry

why do i love you
so much i could die

Alone

i'm so alone, no one cares
you have a smile i cannot wear
you make me sick, so happy and gay
just rub it in, alone i'll stay
it's not that hard to figure out
i know you know what i'm talking about
you have it all and i have nothing
i am so small, you see right through me
just stay away and leave me to cry
everyone else left me to die

Together

together we see
together we stand

divided we fall
divided we're dead

live you life like there is no tomorrow

do it alone and do it with sorrow

see the eyes of the children today

see them cry and watch them pray

live your life just dont forget others

everyone should live as sisters and brothers

together we see
together we stand

divided we fall
divided we're dead

Time

get out get out
while there is still time
they haven't killed you yet

this pity party
we call life
is coming to an end

they hurt their kids
and reject all love

they have no fear
of the one above

all is ending and time will be gone
get out, get out

for it won't be long

Pangs of Hatred

why must it be this way
why must it be this hard

to forget just how it hurt

to forget just how it scarred

the one thing that i dread
the one thing that i hate

it haunts me all the time

it haunts me everyday

i want to make it suffer

i want to make it bleed

just to make it go away

just to make it leave

i wish someone would guard me

i wish someone would help me see

bring some light to my eyes

bring some air so i can breath

this one thing that i dread

this one thing that i hate

you are the one who caused it

you are the one who did create

Your Name

i can see through you
i see the things you do
i know just how you feel
i see you through and through
these eyes i have can bore
right through your hardened heart
they saw just how you laughed
when we were torn apart
they know just how you think
you thought i didn't know
how you loved to laugh and mock me
when i let my feelings show
but now its all over and done
one thing remains the same
i've erased you from my eyes
and my heart will never heed
to your name

Wasted

my life has been wasted
just used up till it has no more meaning
than the trampled earth
it has been stomped on
and walked over
no one seems to notice
the "do not trespass" sign
they knock it down and
come right on in
prowling through secret affairs
i would rather keep hidden
they try to make it better
but they don't succeed
for there is nothing i hate more
than people to trample on
my wasted life

written - 5/30/95

You

i want to be like you
to have the glory you do
i want to walk with my head high
instead of facing the trodden earth
i want to the have the pride
to say i stole someone's heart
like you did mine
i wish i could say someone loved me
like i love you
instead i have to lead a lifestyle
of dreaming of being
just like you

written - 5/30/95

A Heart with no End

a heart with no end
could never be sad
while you are away
it could only be glad
it could welcome your going
and never cry while
it sees you walk away
and turn with a smile
it would never feel feelings
when they mention her name
it would never feel doubt
just always the same
sometimes i wish i had
a heart with no end
it would never feel pain
as you leave me again

written - 5/16/95

Hidden

they pass me by, each day they see
just how happy i seem to be

but deep inside me something is hiding
it burrows in me; in my soul it is abiding

i try to cover it, make it go away
but it doesn't listen and in my soul it stays

i wish i could kill it, just smother the hate
but it's latched onto my heart, and there it will wait

for the day to come when my love for you is gone
but that day is far away as long as my love stays strong

written - 5/16/95

Faces

shimmering light in their eyes
shadows of hate they disguise
they'll never let you know how they feel
some so fake they seem so real
smiles that enlighten someones day
frowns that make the sky seem grey
love that's hidden in the strangest places
shows right up in other's faces

written 4-24-95

Pain

pain hides in the strangest places
but me it just comes out and faces
no one knows how i feel inside
all they care is not to damage their pride
angry words said all in vain
tears to show a life filled with pain

written 4-21-95