restless

restless
my cries are unheard, sheets rustled
i am a creature of habitual denial
pondering
enough love to kill the world
enough hatred to die alone
dreaming
lost in translation
crippled by hypocrisies
hopeful
needing to be held
too fearful to desire it

a tepid night in march

the air that night was tepid

i seemingly rested on a park bench
but my heart was vivacious with intrigue

watching people, waiting

and then i saw him

he sat down beside me
only a few inches and a steel divider

separated us

we talked and talked
like we were old school chums

we talked about life
and the past and the future

interrupted only by randomness
of strangers talking about hair

his smile, so inviting

we walked and ate and talked
and we laughed and smiled

wanting it to never end

the melodies of the night
spoken only to us

i took part of him with me
and left my heart on my sleeve

his smile, so inviting

this one is random

1. sometimes. no matter how hard you try. you can't make right what others see as wrong.
2. some people just suck. period.
3. there isn't always going to be someone to catch you when you fall. you should learn how to fly. or at least carry a parachute.
4. not everyone is going to like you. and that's okay. maybe they're just stupid.
5. life is like a box of chocolates. you should stick your finger into every piece before deciding on just one. if it's good. eat it. if not, leave it in the box with all the other holey pieces.
6. nothing is simple.
7. if your past always comes back to haunt you, then maybe you should move. that way it can't find you.
8. when in doubt, shut up.
9. don't make me smack you. seriously.
10. if it has teeth, you shouldn't stick your finger in it's mouth.
11. people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks. or run out of windex.

- p.g.f.s.d.

abortion of mind

i remember when i lost my mind. i was destined to be this way.

i thought i had had enough. but i was wrong.

i took a little more. like a coke addict waiting for her next fix.

i took and i took.

then i awoke an empty shell of my former self.

no longer to be the same.

i was cold and beaten down.

what was love? i didnt care anymore.

all i knew is that if love felt like that, i wanted no part of it.

that is when i lost my mind. and started a new one.

i aborted myself to start new life.

no more of what i once was. no more of what it used to be.

and i will not allow. i can not allow.

anyone to taint my current self.

my current mind.

you cant get in, so don't try.

it would be wasted efforts. only to be scoffed in the end.

its just not worth it. so don't bother.

i am jack's bleeding heart

i find solace in the memory of defeat.

catapulted down by the hands of my aggressors.

never to find life and the meaning therein.

chaos in the making.

and ive got a front row seat.

the horizon is shattered in my waking.

a melodic interferance of my demise.

shaking and quivering.

i seek shelter in the unknown.

i am jack's bleeding heart.

and i'm about to run dry.

the fall

poisonous fangs sink into my skin.

and i crumble.

i should have seen this one coming.

only i was distracted.

busy trying to become what i should be.

silent tears from a lifetime of heartache.

waiting for the last one to fall.

the poison eats away at my veins.

the cold creeps slowly towards my heart.

there is nothing i can do to halt it. so i wait.

death and life join in the same breath.

a beautiful mixture of harmony and destruction.

behind the eyes

she is a mysterious creature of the night.

beautiful and radiant, she lurks in the shadows.

glaring at passersby, as she smiles on the inside.

for only she knows the truth, behind the eyes.

shy and awkward but glowing with confidence.

she speaks in a whisper, soft and subtle.

every movement is calculated and precise.

although she has no destination in mind.

moving and cringing as life passes by.

she lurks in the shadows and waits.

for the sun to break through and awaken her.

game on

i will not stop. i will not wait. i will not cheat. i will not steal.

ok. i lied.

i will stop. i will wait. i will cheat. i will steal.

i will stop at nothing to get what i deserve.

i will wait for my meaning and hold onto it.

i will cheat my supposed fate and find my true happiness.

i will steal the heart of the next boy i see.

...

game on.

may the best man win.

denial

i can hide from this forever. push things far away from the core of me. consider them null.
...if i don't acknowledge them. they can't exist.
but they come to me in dreams. living only through the part of my brain that i can't control. breathing in the courage i only wish i could show.
so i try not to sleep. not to feel. not to dream.
...while i lay sleeping my mind wants what it wants. my heart wants what it wants. and i have no power over mind.
but then i awaken. to begin my quest once again.
denial is the breakfast of champions. and i have feasted upon many.

the aftermath

my stomach just ate my heart...
and it wont spit it out
grinning as it devours

shut up...
i think i said that outloud
but no one should mind
for these are the rantings of the crazy girl

on the way out of life
and into the afterglow
sail away and don't shed a tear

i am safe with my beloved
he will protect me
if i ask...
should i ask?

for what is an hour without love?
an eternity without peace?
everything is relative

once it is realized it can't be forgotten
and i am once again stuck in
the aftermath of my life

love...

Main Entry: ¹love
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lufu; akin to Old High German lubalEof dear, Latin lubEre, libEre to please

1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> b : an assurance of love love>

2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>

3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration love> b (1) : a beloved person : DARLING -- often used as a term of endearment (2) British -- used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person's adoration of God
5 : a god or personification of love love, Old English

This word love has been striking fear in the guts of many for ages. But what is love exactly? Websters shows us that love could be a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties; attraction based on sexual desires; affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests; warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion; or even an unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.

If this definition holds true, then it is possible to love different people and things.

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding them.

The word love is used in many different ways. One of those ways is that is has become an appropriate closing to a phone conversation. (Even though I will have to add that I dont necessarily agree with it being used this way). The word love is used to show great appreciation for music, art and literature. All of these uses are appropriate. There are no limits to how much you can love, how often you love, and how deeply you love.

I believe there are different forms of love. I love my children in a different way than I love my parents. But it is still love. I love my favorite book in a different way than I love my favorite song. Every type of love has a different effect on us as humans. But love is love.

A lot of the problems we have today are people either expect to be loved or not to be loved. They base this assumption on what they think they have to offer. They sell themselves short.

Love is not to be bought, sold or traded in. Everyone has qualities they dont see. Everyone has things about themselves that draw some to them like honey. Those same things can also repel the next person they meet. Everyone is worthy of love in some form.

Love never ends. It just changes forms. Love is energy. It is the beating heart when you are close to someone you care about. It is the laughter or inside jokes you share with your best friend. It is the feeling you get in your stomach when you listen to your favorite song for the 100th time. It is the warmth of your infants cheek when she lays her head on your shoulder to sleep.

Love is miraculous. Love is heart breaking. Love is never ending. Love is passionate. Love is empowering. Love is terrifying. Love is hate. Love is love.

tomb of red

cryptic thoughts of a trauma untold.
beautiful insanity.
my friend, she never grows old.

vivid images keep my awake.
this weight on my chest.
the hate. the love. and the ache.

trying to make sense of this feeling.
blurred images of desire and terror.
though i dont know the meaning.

full of longing as i recall what was said.
i cry only at night.
as i lay on my tomb of red.

insomnia is my name

I believe I might have a touch of insomnia. It kind of snuck up on me too. I have no idea when the change actually happened. I have always been the type to stay up pretty late. A night owl if you will. But I could usually rap everything up by 12 on the weeknights when I have to get up at 6 am.

But lately, its been more like between 2 and 4 am. So I sleep like 3 4 hours at the most every night. On the weekends its even worse. Sometimes I dont lay down until like 7 am if i do at all. And even then I get up like 3 hours later.

So what is my problem exactly? I have no idea. I wish I did. Seriously.

I think some of it has to do with being a single mom. I work full time and keep them full time during the week. So its like 2 full time jobs. And there are so many other things I have to do (laundry, bills, cleaning, etc.) that I have no time for me. So maybe this is my minds way of getting me time. A really fucked up way.

Maybe I am waiting on something to happen. Something to change. Something to be exciting. Something to be different.

Maybe I am waiting on someone. Someone to relate to me. Someone to understand me. Someone to get me. Someone to need me.

Who knows.

I just hope I figure it out soon.

my own personal rain cloud

i am miserable in my own skin.

i do not know how to stop it.
the tapping. constant tapping.
my brain telling me to let go.
yet still i hold on.

what i am i holding on to?
this festering inside me.
that i am powerless to stop.
i used to be so happy.
but i lost my joy somewhere.
scattered along the way.

so i wait like a young school child.
for their best friend to come and play.
i have loved and lost.
yet still i push on.
towards the unknown.

and it is terrifying.

i want to feel human.
to run and play in the flowers.
to cry happy tears.

when i finally release this feeling
i will bid it farewell.
and watch it fade away.
like a snail drenched in salt.
and i will never look back.

but for now i listen.
to the static-filled voice.
of the commentator for my brain.

"this is the first day of the rest of your life,
and it looks like it's gonna rain."

my thoughts on life, love and people

Not really sure where I am going with this. But I have to start somewhere I suppose....

I have been doing a lot of "thinking" lately and I have come to a conclusion. I don't like people. Well, I can't say all people. Because of course there are a few I care about. But in general, I don't really like people.

I used to have a belief that everyone was good. But I don't really believe that anymore. I think people suck. I think people are selfish. I think people are inconsiderate. I think people lie.

I think society has gotten so bad, that no one has any faith anymore. No faith in love. No faith in passion. No faith in others.

There are so many things that could go wrong, that no one is willing to risk anything. No one wants to be loved. Because they can't risk losing it.

I think it's all really sad actually. That someone can have so much love to give. And no one willing to accept it. Or maybe there isn't anyone deserving of it.

But hell, what do I know? I'm just a silly girl. Right?

i feel a change a comin'

so...i am not very happy with the direction my life is going. nothing is wrong that can be pinpointed. but there is definitely something off. i have been waking up with that same feeling for a while now. one single thought...something is missing.

i believe in my life, it is love. or absence there of. not so much being alone. just being loved. my kids love me and i love my kids. they are all i have right now and they are my life line. through all the headaches they cause me, they are what keeps me going.

but for now, i am going to start a process of reinventing myself. re-establishing my hopes and dreams. what do i want out of this life?

i am sure in that process, some of the people and things in my life, will fall to the wayside. that is the way things go i suppose. i am going to attempt to eliminate things that cause me pain or emptiness.

i am hoping that in doing this, i will find what is i am looking for. and maybe the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication will be needed no more. that is my hope anyway.

i constantly feel like i am my own worst enemy. thus the use of the my current name. the poster girl for self destruction. that is me, currently.

this will eventually change though. i am going to dig deep, to cast out the poisons of my existence. this will be accomplished. although i do not know how long it will take. i guess we are all a "work in progress". i know this better than anyone.

one of my first steps is going to be: letting go of the past.

i, as many others, have been through a lot of things in my life. i believe i have been holding onto those things and letting them dictate who i am. so i hope by letting those things go, i will have a fresh start. no longer live in the past. the past can eat you alive. it can suffocate you. and it will if you let it.

if i have to put all of those things out in the open for all to see, then that is what i will do. i can't let my past become my life. and i can't let the pain ruin my future.

i have too much too offer. way too much.

you are my rain

you are my rain
that washes everything clean...

the pain of what i had endured
had almost overcome me.
and then there was you
standing still in bright green.

your voice so melodic
with the ability to heal.
old wounds and self doubt
sloughed away and forgotten.

my soul, it recognized you
and waved across the miles.
sometimes choking back tears
with the coming of your night.

you are the rain
that washes everything clean.
and the sun is finally shining
on my end of the rainbow.

viewing life from a rear-view mirror

something is ticking.

ticking.

i don't know when to let go.

live and let live.

or so they say.

happiness becomes me.

but i hold onto the past.

it's my m.o.

viewing life from a rear-view mirror.

but in hindsight.

it should all be forgotten.

or at the very least.

appreciated and possibly memorialized.

then put to rest.

completely.

never to be relived again.

the other side

i find myself in a haze.

the fog hasn't quite disappeared.

apparitions. they come and go.

the ghosts of my past like my company.

my eyes close.

but my mind wanders.

to it's own place.

it's happy place.

where all things are delightful.

and nothing bleeds.

and my heart.

it still beats.

it still feels.

it still loves.

to be loved.

tingly inside and not sure why.

something is coming.

and i am waiting.

to finally look it in the face.

and know i made it.

to the other side.

sweet darkness

no love lost here
just distant memories
the time capsule has been swallowed
the present has become my past
living it is hard
confusion, anger
getting over it is harder
but i'm not stranger to the rain
i bought my own umbrella
left out in the cold
i stand, shadow hazy
don't cry for me sweet darkness
i have betrayed you
we were supposed to be together
for eternity
held in your cold hands
until i breathed that last breath
i was never supposed to be content
yet here i am
in the midst of all this heartache
with the hint of a smile on my face
gleaming, glowing
i wait for the unknown
in it lies my destiny
so i must let you go sweet darkness
and move on, into the sunlight
to see my shadow once again