Tired

im tired.

im tired of waiting. im tired of being scared. scared to show the real me. scared to be mean. scared to say what i feel. scared to be scared.

im tired of being the nice one. the loyal one. only to get walked over and on. taken for granted. lied to. and sometimes just ignored.

im tired of putting myself out there, only to get disappointed. of setting myself up to be let down. of putting too much faith in people.

im tired of feeling stupid. im tired of editing what i say. im tired of caring what other people think. what they might say about me.

im tired of giving to the undeserving.

im tired of not giving to those i should.

im tired of being broke.

im tired of being confused.

and most of all, im tired of being tired.

strawberries

im trapped in a time warp. days pass so rapidly. i am almost 27. almost grown.

i remember my strawberry shortcake doll. her bright red hair. the expression of happiness. the love she so desperately wanted to give. i wanted to be her. and now i am.

i am the doll. collecting dust. a victim of the elements that be. i wait. with slumped shoulders. head tilted ever so gently to the side. in an eternal slumber.

waiting for someone to pass. to stop. to notice the bright red hair.

and think. this doll is special.

despite the tattered attire and the worn smile. the noticeable scars of a life lived much too fast. after all this doll has endured. after all the long years of being trapped in a box. after all the neglect. after all the abuse.

she still smiles. and vaguely smells of strawberries.

Beautiful

i feel alone.
the emptiness creeps in like a fog.
shadowing all my visions.
my memories.
i become trapped in my own head.
nothing comes in.
nothing goes out.
i am unreachable.
desperation and solitude are my only companions.
but it is beautiful.
beautiful yet harsh.
like watching a flower die.
it blooms.
and as time passes, it transforms into this hardened shell of what it once was.
still beautiful.
but no longer a flower.
only a shell.
trapped in its own existence.
the colors faded yet still obvious.
permanently placed in the scrapbook of life.
never to again be what it was.
yet still beautiful.

From Here

walls of steel and bolted plastic.
cant turn without becoming a casualty.
a causualty of life. yeah. that's me.

i love only to be dismissed.
i hate only to end up hating myself.
why is everything so simple when it happens.
and so complicated once you decode it.

to break apart every piece. every conversation. every look.
every kiss. every sidweways glance. every inside joke.
every thought. every memory.

what did it all mean? what should it mean now?
where do i go from here?

A Babbling Tower of Ruin and Desctruction

i have the ability to destroy anything i touch.
and i use it.
probably too often.
who knows why.
maybe i like watching it all tumble down.
maybe i enjoy the destruction.
or maybe i just cant let go.
of the pain.

The Core of Me

the core of me
is corrupted with doubt
and insecurity
the unknown is what i fear the most
and it haunts me
it wont let me sleep
no peace will i have
until i am cleansed of the confusion
and i will wait
for my day will come
to be truly content
once i realize what within me
keeps me from becoming that
happy
to the core

Mission Complete

shards of emotional rubble dismember my soul.
my heart aches but only when i allow it to.
is it possible to find peace in the midst of destruction.
to find solace in the trust of others.
everyone is insane.
or maybe its just me.
the crazy one.
from the outside looking in.
the shouting is now a dull roar.
as my insides breathe.
desperation sets in and i quiver.
but i will not fall.
i will not fail.
and my emotional rubble.
will form into a masterpiece.
of the new me.
only then will i say.mission complete.

Beautiful One

she is mine.
my beautiful one.
an aura of angelic prisms.
the sun sets on her command.
and rises only when she wills it so.
how can something so beautiful. be disdained.
without any fear for consequence.
without any desire for communion.
i could not live.
i could not breath.
oh my beautiful one.
may she never feel malaise.
my beautiful girl.
who can turn my emotional labyrinth.
into blissful harmony.
my beautiful child.
who can set a room aglow.
with her tender smile.
she is mine.
my beautiful one.

Before the Silence

just follow the breadcrumbs. maybe they will lead you back. empty pages of a once loved spirit.

hollow and numb. void of emotion. trickling blood from an open wound. shards of desperation. sinking...

crying at the blue grey sky. hoping to see my reflection. a reflection of what i once was. before the destruction. before the fall. before the silence.

i want to be. and to see. and to live. i want to return. to be reborn. to be free.

i need to be whole again.

Empty

I am empty
I am cold
Enclosed, no feeling
Help me to shut it
To shut out the voices
Make them quiet down
To a lulling whisper
I was content
Until they began
Not anymore