people come and go.

swinging and swaying and never staying in one place for too long.

they forget what they like.

but always come back to be reminded.

My Beatiful One

she is mine.my beautiful one.
an aura of angelic prisms.
the sun sets on her command.
and rises only when she wills it so.
how can something so beautiful.
be disdained.
without any fear for consequence.
without any desire for communion.
i could not live.
i could not breath.
oh my beautiful one.
may she never feel malaise.
my beautiful girl.
who can turn my emotional labyrinth.
into blissful harmony.
my beautiful child.
who can set a room aglow.
with her tender smile.
she is mine.
my beautiful one.

*dedicated to my baby girl kaleigh. may the sun always shine on you. and may you always know just how much you are loved.*

Never Again

images cut to the core of me
as they play like a morbid slideshow

i know i will never have
what i thought i should

i cry for the loss of my unborn child
and the unknown futures of my living

can i be what i need to be
or will i falter and fail

i have an unyielding love
that can not be broken by trials

yet still i feel eternally helpless
in the vast emptiness of my strength

my soul is weeping
as i cry out for guidance

so much hurt covered up and pushed down
until it is almost forgotten

but when i am at my lowest
the vivid cries return to haunt me

i want so much for complete happiness
although i am scared to wish

for the last time i wished
i ended up in that painful existence

and i don't want to go there again
never. never ever. again.

11.02.2006

the push, pull and fall

you push and i move backwards.
i push and you pull away.
we dance around in circles.
i never show the true emotion behind my words.
on the logical side; the side of reason.
i can see how this can go wrong.
but when i am in your arms.
nothing has ever felt more right.
so i ask myself.
where do i go from here.
do i try and take what i want.
do i wait for it to be completely right.
or do i just give up all together.
and after the realization.
comes the fall.
wherever it lands me.
i will accept it.
and i will try not to think back.
on what could have been.
or should have been.
it will just be.
what it is meant to be.
so maybe i should.
just bow out gracefully.

when i say i miss you.

your face haunts my dreams
being awake makes no difference
in the presence of your absence
i feel an ache i can't comfort
cycles of passion bleed
through crumpled sheets
i feel your breath on my cheek
surreal visions of your smile
your laugh is a tune i can't forgot
your happiness is all i really want
when i say i miss you
what i mean is
my heart aches

11.18.2006

Fluttering...

you are born a wee little babe. not a care in the world. you see life in vibrant colors. beautiful and whimsical.

then life happens, and one day you find yourself numb. the hurt you have endured has been so great, so life altering...you completely shut yourself off from feeling anything. or...at least you try to.

you can live your whole life feeling numb. call it a defense mechanism. you can be hurt so much and so deeply, that the pain and emptiness consumes your soul. in that state of mind, it is better to be alone than to offer up even the slighest glimmer of hope, only to be dissappointed once again.

then one day, totally unexpected or anticipated...butterflies.

so life without pain is good. life without hurt, even better...right?

but when should you say "uncle" and give in. how long do you keep up the sharade of pretending that you don't care? how long should you let the past determine your future? is it really worth it?

sure, you have no chance of being hurt that way. but is being hollow better? is taking the chance of feeling the pain better than hiding behind the fear?

how do you know when to listen to the butterflies?

5.9.2007

tiptoeing on glass stilts

Tiptoeing on glass stilts
I blaze through this life

Creeping into blissful thoughts
of the raging insanity within

You are my drug of choice
and the manic to my depression

The trackmarks of my addiction
jagged, pointy and flowing

Screaming under water
as my lungs gracefully bow out

A solemn goodbye to commemorate
a beautifully cryptic existence

Glowing embers of red and gold
this blood stained haze is my shrowd

My soul burns with each breath drawn
as my heart bleeds itself dry

Tiptoeing on glass stilts
I blaze through this life

Tired

im tired.

im tired of waiting. im tired of being scared. scared to show the real me. scared to be mean. scared to say what i feel. scared to be scared.

im tired of being the nice one. the loyal one. only to get walked over and on. taken for granted. lied to. and sometimes just ignored.

im tired of putting myself out there, only to get disappointed. of setting myself up to be let down. of putting too much faith in people.

im tired of feeling stupid. im tired of editing what i say. im tired of caring what other people think. what they might say about me.

im tired of giving to the undeserving.

im tired of not giving to those i should.

im tired of being broke.

im tired of being confused.

and most of all, im tired of being tired.

strawberries

im trapped in a time warp. days pass so rapidly. i am almost 27. almost grown.

i remember my strawberry shortcake doll. her bright red hair. the expression of happiness. the love she so desperately wanted to give. i wanted to be her. and now i am.

i am the doll. collecting dust. a victim of the elements that be. i wait. with slumped shoulders. head tilted ever so gently to the side. in an eternal slumber.

waiting for someone to pass. to stop. to notice the bright red hair.

and think. this doll is special.

despite the tattered attire and the worn smile. the noticeable scars of a life lived much too fast. after all this doll has endured. after all the long years of being trapped in a box. after all the neglect. after all the abuse.

she still smiles. and vaguely smells of strawberries.

Beautiful

i feel alone.
the emptiness creeps in like a fog.
shadowing all my visions.
my memories.
i become trapped in my own head.
nothing comes in.
nothing goes out.
i am unreachable.
desperation and solitude are my only companions.
but it is beautiful.
beautiful yet harsh.
like watching a flower die.
it blooms.
and as time passes, it transforms into this hardened shell of what it once was.
still beautiful.
but no longer a flower.
only a shell.
trapped in its own existence.
the colors faded yet still obvious.
permanently placed in the scrapbook of life.
never to again be what it was.
yet still beautiful.

From Here

walls of steel and bolted plastic.
cant turn without becoming a casualty.
a causualty of life. yeah. that's me.

i love only to be dismissed.
i hate only to end up hating myself.
why is everything so simple when it happens.
and so complicated once you decode it.

to break apart every piece. every conversation. every look.
every kiss. every sidweways glance. every inside joke.
every thought. every memory.

what did it all mean? what should it mean now?
where do i go from here?

A Babbling Tower of Ruin and Desctruction

i have the ability to destroy anything i touch.
and i use it.
probably too often.
who knows why.
maybe i like watching it all tumble down.
maybe i enjoy the destruction.
or maybe i just cant let go.
of the pain.

The Core of Me

the core of me
is corrupted with doubt
and insecurity
the unknown is what i fear the most
and it haunts me
it wont let me sleep
no peace will i have
until i am cleansed of the confusion
and i will wait
for my day will come
to be truly content
once i realize what within me
keeps me from becoming that
happy
to the core

Mission Complete

shards of emotional rubble dismember my soul.
my heart aches but only when i allow it to.
is it possible to find peace in the midst of destruction.
to find solace in the trust of others.
everyone is insane.
or maybe its just me.
the crazy one.
from the outside looking in.
the shouting is now a dull roar.
as my insides breathe.
desperation sets in and i quiver.
but i will not fall.
i will not fail.
and my emotional rubble.
will form into a masterpiece.
of the new me.
only then will i say.mission complete.

Beautiful One

she is mine.
my beautiful one.
an aura of angelic prisms.
the sun sets on her command.
and rises only when she wills it so.
how can something so beautiful. be disdained.
without any fear for consequence.
without any desire for communion.
i could not live.
i could not breath.
oh my beautiful one.
may she never feel malaise.
my beautiful girl.
who can turn my emotional labyrinth.
into blissful harmony.
my beautiful child.
who can set a room aglow.
with her tender smile.
she is mine.
my beautiful one.

Before the Silence

just follow the breadcrumbs. maybe they will lead you back. empty pages of a once loved spirit.

hollow and numb. void of emotion. trickling blood from an open wound. shards of desperation. sinking...

crying at the blue grey sky. hoping to see my reflection. a reflection of what i once was. before the destruction. before the fall. before the silence.

i want to be. and to see. and to live. i want to return. to be reborn. to be free.

i need to be whole again.

Empty

I am empty
I am cold
Enclosed, no feeling
Help me to shut it
To shut out the voices
Make them quiet down
To a lulling whisper
I was content
Until they began
Not anymore