i feel a change a comin'

so...i am not very happy with the direction my life is going. nothing is wrong that can be pinpointed. but there is definitely something off. i have been waking up with that same feeling for a while now. one single thought...something is missing.

i believe in my life, it is love. or absence there of. not so much being alone. just being loved. my kids love me and i love my kids. they are all i have right now and they are my life line. through all the headaches they cause me, they are what keeps me going.

but for now, i am going to start a process of reinventing myself. re-establishing my hopes and dreams. what do i want out of this life?

i am sure in that process, some of the people and things in my life, will fall to the wayside. that is the way things go i suppose. i am going to attempt to eliminate things that cause me pain or emptiness.

i am hoping that in doing this, i will find what is i am looking for. and maybe the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication will be needed no more. that is my hope anyway.

i constantly feel like i am my own worst enemy. thus the use of the my current name. the poster girl for self destruction. that is me, currently.

this will eventually change though. i am going to dig deep, to cast out the poisons of my existence. this will be accomplished. although i do not know how long it will take. i guess we are all a "work in progress". i know this better than anyone.

one of my first steps is going to be: letting go of the past.

i, as many others, have been through a lot of things in my life. i believe i have been holding onto those things and letting them dictate who i am. so i hope by letting those things go, i will have a fresh start. no longer live in the past. the past can eat you alive. it can suffocate you. and it will if you let it.

if i have to put all of those things out in the open for all to see, then that is what i will do. i can't let my past become my life. and i can't let the pain ruin my future.

i have too much too offer. way too much.